I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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