I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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