You smell like a Billy Joel song
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i think i have two assholes
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
