some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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