Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
