we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
