I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
