i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
