I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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