Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
