I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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