My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
