Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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