Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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