you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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