I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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