Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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