I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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