Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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