I think im going to throw up on grandma
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
