ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just took my morning after pill in the library
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
