How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
