Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
