On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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