Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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