I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
