I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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