After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
where does the pee come out of this thing
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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