she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
