My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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