I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
