google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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