I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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