Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
