I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
