You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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