why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
