me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
