i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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