there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
