I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
