if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
