Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
