ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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