I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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