Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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