I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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