A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
