I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
