fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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