Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
