I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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