I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
