Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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