So drunk its hurt
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
