I was born with a shot glass in my hand
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
