we have pet lesbian snakes
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
