Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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