fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
