you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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